Why did he do that? Why did this happen to me? Why did they say that? Why, why, why? I would say 80% of my conversations with people start with a “why?”. Can I answer it? 90% of the time, yes. Do you want to hear it? Nope. Is it helpful? Nope. And there is one very basic reason for that. The “why”, is never, ever about you!
Of all of the sacred tomes that I have read over the many years of my journey, one of the key things that has stuck with me, is the “you must let go of needing to know why” part of them. They all have it. It’s a spiritual law. It’s repeated by all of the masters, all of the sages and all of the wizards over time. It’s also really, really annoying for a lot of us. Acceptance of what is, is one of our hardest, and most necessary lessons. It requires faith on some level, and self-love on another. It also requires surrender, but that is a whole other story.
When I was younger, I thought that developing my own psychic insight would surely answer the “why”. It did and does. Did that help me in any way? Not really… It doesn’t change outcomes. It doesn’t change other people’s behaviours. It does not excuse me from “the now”.
The one key book I would recommend that you drop everything and read right at this moment; is “The Four Agreements”. The key lesson here is “Take nothing personally”.
One thing I can absolutely guarantee for you, with no shadow of a doubt, is that another person, or person’s behaviour is never, ever, ever…about you. It may feel like it is. It may look like it is. They may tell you it is (abusers like to do that). But it isn’t. Ever.
Reflect on your own behaviour for a moment. If you snap at another person out of annoyance, is it them? Or is it really all about you? Do you hate people who chew loudly? did you not get enough sleep last night? did you just flunk an exam? Did you just make an assumption? Really – is your annoyance them, or you? Do you tell white lies to avoid a confrontation? It’s easy to think that you “just don’t want to get into it” with an aggressive person and blame your choice on them – but again, that’s about you, not them. Your choice, they wear it.
I have worked with a lot of people who have experienced abuse and trauma. Debilitating, life altering experiences at the hands of another human being. Is it their fault? Nope. Is it about them? Nope. Did they cause their abuser to act out like that? Nope. And here is the MOST important part of this. If it were not them, standing in front of the abuser at that point, it would simply have been someone else. The abuser did not seek them out to inflict their behaviour on them. They did not “make” their abuser act in any way. They just inflict it on anyone who is standing in front of them. Their behaviour has nothing to do with you. If not you, then someone else will do. Anyone.
It’s the same with romantic relationships, professional relationships, family relationships (although boy can they be doozies). Another person’s behaviour – is never, ever about you. Nothing is personal. Not even love……. surprisingly for most.
So, why did he/she cheat on me? Why did he/she lie to me? Why did he/she say that about me? Why did he/she tell me he/she loved me? Because he/she could, basically. Is it about you? Nope. Will you ever know the full run down on why they did it? Nope. I can guarantee they couldn’t even tell you why they did it. Yes. I can tune in on these things and pinpoint life events/patterns for them –“ yes she was cheated on before so now she does X, W and Z as a direct result of that.” Is that about you? Nope. Will that change anything? Nope. Does that even matter? Not really. It “feels” so personal. I know. I’ve been there too. I get it. But it’s not personal. Ever.
The point is they did it, and its not about you, so what do you do now? Do you twist yourself inside out wanting to know why, torturing yourself over what you did to deserve this? keep running scenario’s in your head around why, why, why? A lot of people do. And they do it for years at a time. It’s exhausting and completely debilitating. No amount of self-torture is going to change this outcome, or their behaviour. No, you couldn’t have done anything differently. No, you could not have changed this outcome. No, this is not about you. No, you will never know “why”, and even if you did, it wouldn’t help you. Everything is exactly as it should be. Come back to the now. There is peace here.
There is another way, and it’s the way of the mystic, the way of the wise, the way of the peaceful and spiritual. To accept only the “now”. To accept that this is how things are, that this person was acting on their own recognizance, and it’s not about me, and I now need to thank them, bless them, and move on. I formally give you permission to stop. To accept what is. To release it. You can rest now. All is as it should be.
I have oversimplified this concept in this post. There is much, much more behind this concept. I can, and will, if you let me, speak for hours on how it all comes together, and why it is this way. But for now, for you, for your inner work and peace, I would encourage you to investigate and embrace “the now”, and to let go of the need to know why. It’s a need that will not serve you, on any level. For further reading on this issue, you may also want to download and read “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. There are other tools available to assist in these areas, including ACIM and The Work, of Byron Katie. Please send me a note if you think they would be of assistance to you. Otherwise, please live here in the now, where it’s peaceful, where healing is abundant, and where other people’s actions, are nothing to do with us.